The Last Supper


As a return to blogging, I must warn you, this one is weak…….

By now, most of you are aware there is urinal etiquette.  Male walks into an unoccupied restroom, his only urinal choice is to pick the furthest from the door.  Next male enters, his only choice is the urinal furthest from the occupied urinal.   So on and so forth (see Dave Barry’s Guide to Guys).  However, last night, while eating at a fancy steak joint, I encountered a new urinal conundrum, urinal hierarchy.  There were three urinals to choose from, and they were tiered.  Do I choose the one furthest from the door, which happens to be the tallest????  No, I don’t want people to think I am the big swinging “D”, which I am not.  Hell, I wasn’t even paying tonight.  Do I choose the furthest from the Grande???  No, then I might have an inferiority complex.  Do I pick the one in the middle????  Hell no, that will break the cardinal rule of urinal etiquette…..You can obviously see my conundrum.  So, being the indecisive person I am, ….turned around, walked through the main dining area, past our table, out the front door and relieved myself in the bushes next to the valet stand.  I have been “encouraged” not to come back.

I am not sure why I shared that with you, other than I am a giver.  However, what I am about to share, my simple, literary mind will not do it justice.

As you have learned in some recent posts, my four squids are different in their own, unique way.  And Tres, he is the funny one; sometimes unbeknownst to him.  The other weekend, my folks were in town and we had a sit down Twisted meal.  Drinks were flowing, food was being passed around and conversation ensued….Seite says to me, “You remember that time we were at Mi Cocina, blah, blah, blah”.   “Not really”.  “You know, blah, blah, blah.”  “No, not really”.  “Well, blah, blah, blah”.  Wanting to put an end to her incessant chatter, I gave the obligatory response, “That must have been your other boyfriend”.  Now, although I have said this many times before, suddenly a look of confusion came across Cuatro’s brow, to which he turns to Seite and says in an inquisitive tone, “You have a boyfriend?”  Quick on the draw and trying to seize the moment, Tres pipes in, “yea, you know, she’s double dick’n…..(“stammer, stammer, stammer”)…..I mean, I mean, double dip’n”….My folks have not accepted our invitation to stay at our house since.

You may need to check my “man card”, but this is my twisted version of a Martha Stewart recipe.  It may sound “A Bit Off Center”, but I assure you, it is damn good and can be used on just about anything.

Bacon Jam

1.5 lb bacon, diced

1 large yellow onion, diced

3 t garlic

¼ c apple cider vinegar

½ c cane syrup

½ c brewed coffee (Café Bustelo)

1 chipotles, chopped

1 t adobo

2 t smoked paprika

2 t kosher salt

2 t fresh cracked pepper

Over medium heat, render down bacon for 10 to 15 minutes or until crispy.  Remove from grease and place on paper towel.  Reserve bacon fat.

In a large pot, add 2 tablespoons of bacon fat, onions and salt.  Saute for 5 to 7 minutes or until onions are translucent.  Add garlic and sauté for an additional 2 minutes.  Deglaze with apple cider vinegar and then add cane syrup, chipotles, adobo, paprika and pepper.  Saute for 2 minutes and then add coffee.  Bring to a boil and reduce heat to low.  Simmer for 1.5 hours.  Note:  if jam begins to look dry during cooking process, add a small amount of water and continue to simmer.

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About TheTwistedEpicurean

Culinary BullSchit Artist View all posts by TheTwistedEpicurean

2 responses to “The Last Supper

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