Tag Archives: Appetizer

Thank God For Duck Season!

Command of the English language has never been my strong point, which is becoming ever apparent the longer I keep up this blog.  Be that as it may, the show must go on.  No half truths today, no parading around my families dirty laundry for the enjoyment of others.  No, today is just a plain, old fashion, boring food blog.

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And Then There Was Four

“I don’t understand interventions.  What’s the point of being told you drink too much by a room full of reasons why you drink in the first place? – Author Unknown

There aren’t many places my family is welcome come Sunday, but one place we have been asked to never come back is Ken’s Pizza in Durant, Oklahoma.  If memory serves me correctly and as said before, often it does not, this particular Sunday we were driving back to Dallas after a long weekend at The Lake.  The boys were hungry and I had a hankering for pizza…..

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Forced Family Fun – The Sequel

Trying to make sure everyone enjoys themselves during family vacations can be a bit hectic and/or a complete ass whipp’n. But as family vacations go, our recent “Forced Family Fun” adventure to Colorado might be one of our most enjoyable and memorable. Sure we pissed off most the neighbors around us, but what family outing haven’t we done that? And sure my six-year-old called an old lady a “douche bag”, but that is what six-year olds do…….right? Right?

Colorado has a lot to offer, especially when you are escaping the Great Texas Heat Wave of 2011. Rafting down the San Juan River, horseback riding through the national forest, hot air balloon rides over the mountain tops, good times abound. But as fun goes, the experience that was most memorable has to be the train ride from Durango to Silverton.

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I Have A Dream

I have a hard time understanding someone being prejudice towards a certain race or creed.  Don’t get me wrong, those who know me know that I am extremely prejudice, but I don’t discriminate.  I just don’t care for people. 

Well, it appears prejudism runs deep in our Twisted family.  The other day, I was making one of my Cajun classics, when Siete comes in ranting and raving about how she hates Cajuns.  I don’t mean dislike or just don’t care for, I mean out and out hatred.  Seems that husband number three (Vermilion Parish Cajun) ran off with a hussy at the local bar and left her to take care of the kids and the….well you know, blah, blah, blah.  Without wading too deep into shallow waters of her mind, I quickly changed the subject and asked her to try the boudin I was making……well it appears Cajun cuisine left an even worst taste in her mouth than her ex-husband…..”Those ?*!@##@^&, sons a bitches are a bunch of ?>(&^%^#@ and can’t cook for the life of them.  Cajun food is nothing but a bunch of pig lips and assholes, much like Tres”.  Well then, there will no dinner for you. 

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Love or Lust

Being Twisted, I have a few odd behaviors:  going to bed before my 5 year son,  wearing black dress socks with tennis shoes, giving Dramamine to my neighbor’s barking dog……these arebut a few of a rather lengthy list.  However, according to my most recent wife (we will refer to her as “Siete”), one of my oddest behaviors happens to be my love of the grocery store.  Now, for someone like her who hasn’t seen the likes of the food store in ages, this comes as no surprise; but for foodies like yourself, I am sure this is as common place as dipping your french fries in your chocolate shake……try it, it’s damn good.

As I have said before, I love perusing the isles of my local Fiester and/or the Skaggs, but I do feel a bit deprived.  See, I live in the Metroplex and we do not have an HEB Grocer.   Now for those not from Texas, this may not seem like a big deal.  But for those who do, you know that HEB is like Fiesta on steroids; a truly inspiration shopping experience for foodies like you and me.  In its stead, HEB has decided to bring us an up-scale version grocery store, Central Market.  A treat in and of itself, Central Market has few rivals; but given that I am on the government payroll (unemployed), Central Market doesn’t currently fit in my food shopping paradigm.  Being the holidays, I thought what the hell.   Anyway, most people today have little qualms spending what they don’t have (especially that be-ach from California and her cronies on the Hill), why should it matter to me?  Surely our kids won’t mind cleaning up the mess we leave behind.

As with most Democrats, blowing my government paycheck on booze and cigarettes seems like the appropriate thing to do.  Much to my chagrin, I found out that Central Market doesn’t sell cigarettes, so a crap load of holiday beer and a vat of Love Dip had to suffice.  Fun Fact # 1:  Did you know that fermented grain and Love Dip are WIC approved?  Isn’t it amazing what the government tit will allow!  Yet again, I digress.

Getting home, I was eager to show off the fruits of my labor.  Much to my amazement, Siete was none to pleased with my shopping wares and to my surprise, she appears to have a temper similar to that of Cautro……maybe this marriage thing isn’t for me????  Knowing that working on my marriage gives me tired head and in most instances ill advised, I decided to focus my efforts on something more meaningful.  Knowing times are tough and the payola is short, I have decided to make a run at re-creating this Central Market powerhouse.  Here is my twisted version of Love Dip.

Lust Dip

2  8oz packages of cream cheese, softened

2 T  Bayou Cajun Seasoning

1/8 t  cayenne

1.5 t  lemon juice

3/4 c  sour cream

3/4 c  mild salsa

1/4 c  purple onion, chopped

1/4 c  cilantro, chopped

In a large bowl, combine all the ingredients.   Refrigerate for one hour to allow ingredients to marry and cream cheese to firm up.  Serve with crackers and/or pretzel chips.


Tired Head

I am no Conan, but I think that I have a pretty good line of BS.  However, I am stumped.  I am at a loss for words.  

The Season is in full force, with holiday parties and gatherings aplenty.  At least for me, this means over drinking, over eating and a whole lot of tired head; which may be the reason for my lack of imaginative thinking.  So with little fanfare and no made up, bullschit storyline, here is my latest blog entry and hope you enjoy.

Spiced Pecans

3 c  Pecan halves

1 c  Sugar

1 T  Bayou Cajun Seasoning

1     Egg, separated

1 T  Water

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.  In a large mixing bowl, whisk egg whites and water.  Pour pecans into egg white mixture and stir.  Once whites have thoroughly coated pecans, combine sugar and Cajun seasoning, sprinkling half of the mixture on top.  Stir several times, sprinkling remaining seasoning mixture as you stir.  On parchment paper lined baking sheet, spread pecans evenly and cook for 20 minutes, stirring a couple of times as they cook.  Allow to cool and store in plastic Ziploc bag until ready to serve.


A Twist

For most of my blog entries, I put a lot of time and effort into each creation, working hard to connect with my reader and trying to bring a little levity to an otherwise “stale” subject matter.  However, as most of you may have figured out by now, I am no master of the English language and writing/grammar has never been one of my strong points.

As we enter into the holiday season, I have many recipes I want to share with you.  In the past, I have tried to post new recipe blogs every 7 to 10 days, with most of the time span being the result of creating a good lie and/or story to highlight a great recipe.  With the eating season upon us, my “twist” is to post recipes more often, with the emphasis being more about the recipes and less about the connection.  As much as I would like to keep you entertained, I don’t have a strong enough liver or enough bullschit to keep up with this aggressive plan.  So sit back, put on that apron and hope you enjoy the change.

Holidays are a time for sharing and a time to make lasting memories.  Some of my fondest memories are holidays at Grand Lake O’ The Cherokees, surround by friends and family.  As with most Lake memories, food and beverage played a vital role.  From White Trash Hors d’ Oeuvres1 to Welch’s Holiday Beef Tenderloin, food was ever plentiful and always taste better at the Lake. 

As its name might suggest, White Trash Hors d’ Oeuvres are less about appearance and more about taste.  Without fail, they are the first to go at any holiday gathering, though few will actually admit to liking them.  I assure you, it has nothing to do with the taste, for they are one of the most delightful holiday treats around.  No, it’s about perception; it’s about trying to be something you aren’t.  Admit it or not, deep down, we all have a little “white trash” in us; some just have the courage to embrace it.

White Trash Hors d’ Oeuvres

1  cheap canned biscuits

1  package Li’l Smokies

Preheat oven to recommended temperature on canned biscuits.  Next quarter the biscuits (use halves if you prefer a little more bread) and around a Li’l Smokie.  Place wraps on a non-stick cookie sheet and baked for approximately 8 minutes.  Once golden bread, remove and let cool.

Aunt Lynne’s Hot Mustard

1c  Coleman’s Dry English Mustard

1c  malt vinegar

1c  sugar

3  eggs

The night before, combine mustard and malt vinegar in a glass bowl and refrigerate overnight.  After allowing the mustard mixture to sit overnight, combine mixture and remaining ingredients in a double boiler, place over medium heat and stir constantly until thickened.  Let cool and serve with Hors d’Oeuvres.  

Special Note:  This recipe comes from an amazing book written by Mary Ann Hille, called Ruby The Rowboat, Stinkbait, And Other Fishy Stories.  It is a memoir about her husband Joe Bob and the influence he and everyone else from Boat & Bottle Cove had on all of our lives.  We are truly blessed to have lived these experiences and are better people today because of Joe Bob.  

For your holiday treats and accoutrements, check us out at www.schitbird.com


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