As I stated in “A Former Life”, there are many reasons why I will be heading south the day my maker comes calling. But should you need further evidence, here you go…..
As it goes with four kids, three dogs and a wife with an insatiable drinking habit, our schedule on the weekends is quite hectic and eating out can rarely be avoided. Often to the displeasure of those around us, our meals are typically filled with colorful conversation; oftentimes loud, typically inappropriate, but always entertaining. Take last weekend for example. Squid 3 (age 10) pipes in: “So dad, do you know why lesbians shop at Sports Authority.” “No, why?” “Because they don’t like Dick’s.” Laughter erupts and beer spit about and all eyes turn to our table. To my right, a good Christian family with a look of disgust. To my left, an old blue hair with a look of confusion. Of no concern to us, laughter continues.
This is not my typical post. This is a warning. This goes out to all men and all women who act like men. If your significant other ever expresses an interest in watching the movie “Black Swan” together, run and run fast.
To most, this statement may seem like a given. However, as men can typically be, I have been an ass lately. Nothing that I see out of the ordinary, but Siete has taken exception to my behavior. As such, I decided to take one for the team. I was going to be the good husband and endure a little pain. “Surely it can’t be that bad”……Buuuuullllllllschit! This f__king movie is horrible. It is two hours of my life that I ain’t ever getting back and if this doesn’t earn me some serious brownie points; well it is time I start looking for Ocho.
I digress. Most aren’t reading this blog to listen to all of my bitching and moaning. Most are here for the food. So, without further ado, the link below is a recipe that I recently had published in Plum Creek’s bi-annual hunting newsletter. Hope you enjoy.
Twisted Epilogue: The only good thing that came out of watching this movie is the realization that I need to lose some weight. Having bigger tits than Natalie Portman is not natural for a man. Hence forth, I am officially on a diet……Siete, you were finally right on something. Kudos to you.
Much to my chagrin, Siete actually reads my blogs. As you can surmise, she was none too pleased with “Rose Colored Glasses”. Needless to say, I am eating healthy again, exercising more and back on the wagon. So if I seem a bit cranky; well, you now know why.
Given my recent lifestyle change, I have found that eating healthier isn’t really the issue. Giving up beer, well that is another story. In an effort to take my mind off my yearning desires, I decided to spend the weekend doing “honey dos”. I spent numerous hours cleaning the garage, washing and waxing the cars and mowing the lawn. Heck I even cleaned out the gutters and trimmed the trees. I was being a good husband. In the midst of my chores, I looked over at Siete and saw that was smiling from ear to ear. The kind of a smile that showed her gratitude and appreciation for all the sacrifices I am making. Thinking about it, it may have been the happiest I had seen her in quite some time. However, true happiness is often times fleeting and when she found me passed out on the patio, beer in hand; her smile quickly vanished.
Humor seems to have evaded me today. For that matter, humor seems to have evaded me for the last several days. Why you might ask? Well the years are catching up to me and Siete has decided that I need to make some changes. She seems to think that I need to eat a little healthy, actually start using the gym I belong to and stop drinking. The dieting and working out are one thing, but sobriety, that is for the birds.
Given my new perspective on life, I decided to go back and review a few of my old posts to see if they would offer up any humorous inspiration. I checked out “Virgin Run”, “A Former Life” and “I Have A Dream”. All decent blogs, but nothing too inspiring. I went a little deeper and perused “Wham, Bam, Thank You Ma’am”, “Pure Insanity” and “The Tortoise And The Hare”. Again, all good blogs, but still nothing. Then it hit me……humor has been evading me these last few days, humor has evaded me most of my adult born life. What the f__k Chuck?
If I haven’t said this before, it is high time that I do………”If you put goat cheese on a turd, there is a good chance I am going to eat it”. As odd and unappetizing as that may sound, it is true. Yes, goat cheese is my epicurean crutch. The creaminess and tanginess goat cheese brings to a dish is unmatched. If you are a virgin to goat cheese, be a virgin no more.
God did not grace me in the nether regions, nor give me a crap load of cash; but what he did give me was an uncanny ability to cook. Given that Siete can burn water, we were a match made in heaven. This recipe certainly wooed Siete and is sure to give you the entry key into any man or women’s boudoir.
For a lot of Texans, we are coming to the end of our Religious Pilgrimage. Sure there is always a spring turkey to shoot or a big redfish to land, but for all intents and purposes, hunting season is all but over. We must now return to our familial responsibilities and hope that the return of the season comes sooner than we might expect.
It has become a tradition within my group of hunting buddies to have a “Man Dinner” at the close of every season. A time to bring families together and enjoy the fruits of our labor. A time to enjoy the company of our wives, our kids and……blah, blah, blah. Who am I trying to kid. The Man Dinner has very little to do with bring our families together. No, the Man Dinner has everything to do with drinking beer, eating good food and telling lies about all the good and bad hunts we had. And from what I can tell, though I have never asked, I think the women folk may enjoy it too.
When you have been married as many times as I have, you eventually learn to listen or at least act like you are listening. So, when Seite came to me and asked me if I would post her favorite recipe, I decided “what the hell”.
Super Bowl Sunday is just around the corner and pizzerias across the country are gearing up for the big day. Being the gluttonous whores that we are, Americans are expected to consume more than 8.3 million pies; that is 4,800 tons of pizzas – roughly 8 times the weight of Jerry Jones’ new “Vigaboard”. Now that is a lot of friggin pizza.
Now, I am not sure when you last ordered delivery pizza, but that schit has gotten expensive. I have made many a homemade pie and I am here to tell you, those bastards are definitely sticking it to us. So, here is my version of the Sunday best and of course Seite’s Fav: BBQ Pulled Pork Pizza. Homemade and delicious; sure to please the most finicky of crowds.