Tag Archives: Food

The Turkinator

As with most things I encountered as a yute, I took for granted the dreaded leftover Thanksgiving meal.  The thought of eating the same thing day after day had little appeal to me and was the bane of my  holiday season.  For all I cared, let the oversized Uncle Frank take home that schit or better yet, feed it to Otis (black lab equivalent to Marley). 

But as time has passed and experience has replaced naivety, so my perspectives have changed.  Don’t get me wrong, I still don’t care to eat the same thing day after day; but with a little bit of creativity and little preparation, I have learned to turn traditional Thanksgiving leftovers into post holiday masterpieces. 

In Texas, Thanksgiving weather can be a bit erratic; 80 degrees one day and 40 degrees the next.  If it happens to be one of those real “ducky” days when the wind is howl’n and the mercury is dip’n, you need to stick with something like the Rule of One Etouffee.  But, for those days when shorts and a T-shirt are the appropriate attire, my latest creation will even make Aunt Bertie a pleasure to be around.

The Turkinator

4 oz.  cranberry sauce

3 oz.  blue agave beer b que sauce

8 slices of ½” thick sourdough bread

4 oz. Brie cheese, sliced

8 oz. turkey leftovers, sliced

¾ c fresh arugula

Preheat Panini press or large grill pan or skillet.

Spread a generous portion of blue agave beer b que sauce on the top and bottom slices of the sourdough bread.  On the bottom half of each slice, layer Brie cheese, turkey, cranberry sauce, and arugula. Top with remaining sourdough slices.

Place the sandwiches on the Panini maker and close. If using a grill pan or skillet, place another heavy skillet on top of the sandwiches to simulate a Panini press. When the bread is toasted and the cheese is melted, remove the sandwiches and serve.


Disaster Relief Program

I am not trying to belittle the devastation of Hurricane Katrina or the sheer destruction of Hurricane Rita, but post holiday leftovers are a disaster all their own.

If you have kept up with my blog, you know by now that I have not always subscribed to full disclosure (To Make Amends) and I have been known to alter something ever so  slightly and portray it to be my own (Fat Bastard).  However, I have seen the errors of my way.  The recipe before you is not a TwistedEpicurean original.  This recipe comes from a hunting buddy of my brother’s and it was passed down to him by his Grandma Roy.  Though I don’t have their consent to pass this along, I do feel that true Cajun hospitality would allow me to do so.  Originally created to highlight the Mud Bug (i.e. crawfish), this recipe is great for the holiday turkey leftovers.

Rule of One Etouffee

1  lb. leftover turkey

1  stick butter

1  yellow onion, diced

1  stalk celery, diced

1  bell pepper, diced

Are you starting to catch on??????

1  can Rotel

1  can Cream of Mushroom

1  can Cream of Celery

¼ c green onion tops, chopped

Tabasco, Hell Bitch Cajun Seasoning to Taste

In a large sauté pan, place onions, celery and bell pepper in butter.  Season with Hell Bitch Cajun Seasoning and sauté until onions are translucent.  Add Rotel, soup and Tabasco and simmer for as long as you desire…..the longer the better.  Approximately 5 minutes prior to serving, stir in turkey and allow warming to desired temperature.  Serve over white rice and top with green onions.

Note:  Be sure to have plenty of french bread and garlic butter for the night serving.  As good as it is for dinner, it is plenty damn good in the a.m. hours too.  Serve over flaky Hungry Jack biscuits and soft served scrabble eggs.  Winner, winner, leftover turkey dinner.

 


Fat Bastard

Bring on the meat and bring on the tatoes.  Without a doubt, I am definitely a meat and potatoes man.  Given the choice and the means, I would eat steak and taters for every meal, every day of the week.  Lipitor can only do so much and the fact that I am unemployed, I do not have the where-with-all to live my dream…..I guess that is what dreams are for.

Given my situation, I must share this recipe and live vicariously through your indulgence.  This side dish is a knock off of a dish my family recently enjoyed in Kennebunkport, Maine.  As usual, I couldn’t leave it well enough alone and altered it the Twisted Way.  Because if it ain’t got spicy, it just ain’t right.

Captain Lord Mansion Potatoes – With a Twist

1  2lb. bag frozen hash browns

1  can Cream of Chicken

1  can Cream of Mushroom

1 c  Monterey Jack, grated

1 c  Smoked Gouda, grated

12  slices bacon

1  jalapeno, seeded and diced

½ c  sour cream

1  can French’s Onion Rings

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.  While oven is heating, cut up bacon and fry in a pan.  Next, combine cooked bacon and all other ingredients except Onion Rings and place in 9 x 13 baking dish.  Cover with foil and bake for 50 minutes.  Remove foil, sprinkle onion rings on top and baked for 5 minutes.

For more heart clogging ideas, check us out at www.schitbird.com


“Once You Go Fried…”

If my memory serves me correctly, there was a saying when I was a youngster that went like “Once you go fried, you never go back”… or was it “Once you go black, you never go fried”….. Oh schit, I was never good with clichés.  None the less, a Cajun Fried Turkey is one of the most underrated Thanksgiving treats known to man. 

Frying a turkey takes an otherwise boring and uninspiring piece of meat and transforms it into a moist and delicious culinary masterpiece.  Combine that with my precooking secret weapon, a brine, and you will never go back to roasting your “white meat” again.     

Cajun Fried Turkey

Brine

1 c salt

½ c brown sugar

¼ c  Hell Bitch Cajun Seasoning

2  Bay Leafs

1 c ice

2  gallons cold water

Turkey

1  13 to 14 lb. fresh turkey

4 to 5  gallons 100% peanut oil

¼ c  Hell Bitch Cajun Seasoning

1  30 Qt. turkey frying vessel

In a medium sauce pan, pour in the brining ingredients:  salt, sugar, Hell Bitch, bay leafs and 2 cups of the water.  Once the water comes to a boil, remove it from the heat, pour in ice and allow it to cool.  Next, place turkey in 3 to 5 gallon Ziploc bag, pour in the remainder of the water and all the cooled brining solution.  Remove the majority of air from the bag, close bag and place in the refrigerator for 6 to 12 hours.

Once the turkey has brined, remove it from bag and wash it thoroughly.  Place turkey in empty frying vessel and fill with enough water to cover the turkey about 1 to 2 inches.  Remove the turkey, pat dry and season liberally the outside and under the skin with Hell Bitch.  Set aside.  AFTER REMOVING THE TURKEY FROM WATER, DO NOT POUR WATER OUT OF FRYING VESSEL.  SEE NEXT SET.

With water still in frying vessel, take a permanent marker and mark the water level on the vessel, which will indicate the amount of oil you will need to fry the turkey.  Once marked, pour water out of vessel, dry out the inside and pour in peanut oil to the indicating mark.  Set vessel on propane burner and bring the temperature to 350 degrees F and maintain for 5 minutes.  Once at 350, slowly lower the bird into the oil and maintain the temperature between 325 to 350 degrees F.  Cook bird for 3 to 4 minutes per pound.  After approximately 35 minutes, check temperature of the bird in the thickest part of the breast using a temperature probe.  Once the breast reaches 151 degrees F, gently remove from oil and allow bird to rest for 30 minutes.  The turkey will reach an internal temperature of 161 degrees F due to carry over cooking.  Once rested, carve and serve.  

Note:  

1 Always fry a turkey outdoors and free of anything flammable.  I tend to fry my turkey in the driveway.  Hot oil will likely splatter out of the pot when placing the cold turkey in the hot oil, so you may want to use a non-flammable splatter pad, which can be found at most hardware or sporting good stores. 

2 If you choose to use Course Kosher salt instead of table salt, you will need to increase the amount of salt to 1 ½ cups.

For more culinary treats and compliments, check us out at www.schitbird.com


A Twist

For most of my blog entries, I put a lot of time and effort into each creation, working hard to connect with my reader and trying to bring a little levity to an otherwise “stale” subject matter.  However, as most of you may have figured out by now, I am no master of the English language and writing/grammar has never been one of my strong points.

As we enter into the holiday season, I have many recipes I want to share with you.  In the past, I have tried to post new recipe blogs every 7 to 10 days, with most of the time span being the result of creating a good lie and/or story to highlight a great recipe.  With the eating season upon us, my “twist” is to post recipes more often, with the emphasis being more about the recipes and less about the connection.  As much as I would like to keep you entertained, I don’t have a strong enough liver or enough bullschit to keep up with this aggressive plan.  So sit back, put on that apron and hope you enjoy the change.

Holidays are a time for sharing and a time to make lasting memories.  Some of my fondest memories are holidays at Grand Lake O’ The Cherokees, surround by friends and family.  As with most Lake memories, food and beverage played a vital role.  From White Trash Hors d’ Oeuvres1 to Welch’s Holiday Beef Tenderloin, food was ever plentiful and always taste better at the Lake. 

As its name might suggest, White Trash Hors d’ Oeuvres are less about appearance and more about taste.  Without fail, they are the first to go at any holiday gathering, though few will actually admit to liking them.  I assure you, it has nothing to do with the taste, for they are one of the most delightful holiday treats around.  No, it’s about perception; it’s about trying to be something you aren’t.  Admit it or not, deep down, we all have a little “white trash” in us; some just have the courage to embrace it.

White Trash Hors d’ Oeuvres

1  cheap canned biscuits

1  package Li’l Smokies

Preheat oven to recommended temperature on canned biscuits.  Next quarter the biscuits (use halves if you prefer a little more bread) and around a Li’l Smokie.  Place wraps on a non-stick cookie sheet and baked for approximately 8 minutes.  Once golden bread, remove and let cool.

Aunt Lynne’s Hot Mustard

1c  Coleman’s Dry English Mustard

1c  malt vinegar

1c  sugar

3  eggs

The night before, combine mustard and malt vinegar in a glass bowl and refrigerate overnight.  After allowing the mustard mixture to sit overnight, combine mixture and remaining ingredients in a double boiler, place over medium heat and stir constantly until thickened.  Let cool and serve with Hors d’Oeuvres.  

Special Note:  This recipe comes from an amazing book written by Mary Ann Hille, called Ruby The Rowboat, Stinkbait, And Other Fishy Stories.  It is a memoir about her husband Joe Bob and the influence he and everyone else from Boat & Bottle Cove had on all of our lives.  We are truly blessed to have lived these experiences and are better people today because of Joe Bob.  

For your holiday treats and accoutrements, check us out at www.schitbird.com


Good O’ Day Syndrome

There are very few movies that stand the test of time….It’s a Wonderful Life, Smokey and the Bandit, Braveheart and my perennial favorite, Lonesome Dove.   On occasion, the wife and I will bust out an old favorite and subject our squids to a little “forced family fun”.  More often than not, the wife and I find the movie every bit as entertaining as it was the first time we saw it; on the other hand, the kids can’t seem to stop bitching and complaining because the movie isn’t “kick ass” enough to hold their attention.  As much as I hate to admit it, by today’s standards, the little bastards are probably right and if we are honest with ourselves, the misses and I are probably just reliving the glory days.  As true as it may be, give me Caddy Shack or Raising Arizona any day over Hangover or 40 Year Old Virgin.

Much like movies, I have found that family recipes also have a very short shelf life.  Most that get passed down from generation to generation can’t hold up to the “kick ass” recipes of today.  However, on occasion, there will be one family jewel that is timeless.  Though I use “family” somewhat loosely for I am unsure of the recipes origin, South of the Border Fettuccine has long been a family tradition in our household.  Like most recipes that have been handed down (see the blog entry “To Make Amends”), I have taken the liberty to bastardize it a bit and call it my own.  It is simple, it is good and aside from a few candy asses I know, I have yet to find anyone who doesn’t enjoy this perennial favorite.

South of the Border Fettuccine

14.5 oz can chopped tomatoes

15.5 oz can black beans

16 oz box of dried fettuccine

2t Yard Bird Seasoning

2T  butter

2  garlic cloves, minced

1  medium jalapeno, seeded & minced

1/4c  cilantro, chopped

4 oz sherry cooking wine

4 oz chicken stock

2 chicken breasts

Preheat grill to 400 degrees, season chicken with Yard Bird Poultry Seasoning and grill chicken for about 3 minutes per side.  Place chicken on plate and allow to rest.  Please note, chicken will not be cooked all the way through, but will finish cooking when added to the sauce at the end. 

While chicken is resting, place water in a large stock pot and bring to a boil.  Cook fettuccine according to the box directions.

While chicken is resting and the pasta water is coming to a boil, preheat a large sauté pan over medium-high heat.  Add butter and jalapenos and sauté for 3 minutes.  While jalapenos are sautéing, pour tomatoes and black beans into a colander and rinsed thoroughly.  Once rinsed, add tomato/black bean mixture to pan and sauté for another 3 to 4 minutes.  Add garlic, ¼ cup of the cilantro and continue sautéing.   After an additional 2 minutes of sautéing, deglaze the pan with sherry, add chicken stock and simmer for an additional 4 to 5 minutes.  While the ingredients are simmering, chop chicken and add to the sauce.   Once chicken is cooked all the way through (approximately 2 to 3 minutes), serve over cooked fettuccine noodles.

Please note, for those who are short on time, store bought rotisserie chicken is a good substitute for grilled chicken.

For more “kick ass” recipes and accoutrements, visits us at www.schitbird.com.


My Apologies

I have been fairly regular on posting recipes; however, the past few weeks I have fallen a bit behind.  For that, I hope you can accept my apology.  I am in the process of composing my most recent recipe blog and I am confident it will be worth a try.  However, time management and lack of adequate beer have created a sort of writer’s block.  That said, what I am posting today is not a recipe, but a promotional ad for the upcoming holidays.  It is the brain child of my marketing guru, my bro and without a doubt, one of the funniest and most creative ideas I have seen across in a long time.  Please click on the link below and stay tuned to www.schitbird.com for more funny and unique holiday ideas for the loved ones.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xfzJNPrNrXE


Religious Pilgrimage

Before you turn and run, I ask for a little latitude on this subject.  I know religion may give many of you tired head.  Heck it gives me tired head too.  And I know you don’t typically talk about religion in a food blog.  But religion is something that is a part of most God fearing individuals.  Different from person to person, religion is a product of our upbringing; it is a symbol of our heritage.  It’s a definition of who we are and what we believe.  Be it Arabs or be it Jews or be it Christians, at one time or another, most true believers journey to Mecca in order to achieve religious enlightenment and pay homage to their creator. 

 For me, as with most other Texas males, our religious pilgrimage tends to stray a bit off course and begins as summer draws to a close.  Thousands upon thousands of Texans travel from far and near to seek out the familiarities of their homeland and pay homage to their god.  No I am not talking about high school football, although a religious experience in its own right.  I am talking about the opening of Dove Season.  That’s right, the day boys become men and men become boys.  A day where no matter your age, race, color or creed, men come together to eradicate those menacing little bastards we call dove. 

 Even after all the years of attempting to totally destroy my cerebral cortex, I still can remember the joy and excitement of my first dove hunt.  Dogs running to and fro, #8 lead shot peppering your face and hands, rattle snakes waiting in the tall scrub to strike at whatever comes near.  If that ain’t heaven, I don’t know what is.

As with every good pilgrimage, a great celebration should always conclude a long journey.  As tradition goes, evening dove hunts are the precursor to an evening dove feast.  Meat, meat and more meat.  Which leads me to this Texas favorite.  The following recipe can be used for most any type of game bird, be it duck, quail or schitbird.  Although I have an affinity for schitbird, hands down, dove is where I pay my homage.

For more recipes, sauces and/or seasonings, please visit us at www.schitbird.com

Dove Poppers with Jalapeno Cream Sauce

Ingredients:

10 Dove

10 slices bacon

1 jalapeno (julienned)

1 onion (julienned)

4 oz cream cheese

4 T  Otis & Oskie Wild Game Seasoning

½ c Red Ass Beer B Que Sauce

1 bottle Italian Dressing

10 toothpicks

1 c Jalapeno Cream Dipping Sauce (recipe below)

Preparation:

Preheat grill to 400 degrees.

Pour Italian Dressing in plastic bag and marinate dove breasts for 30 to 60 minutes.  Once the Schitbirds are done marinating, season with Otis & Oskie Wild Game Seasoning.  Then take one slice of jalapeno, one slice of onion and pinch of cream cheese and place it inside the breast meat.  Wrap bacon around dove, veggies and cream cheese and stick a toothpick through everything to hold it together.  Repeat the process for all ten birds.

Place dove on preheated grill and cook 3 to 4 minutes per side, while basting with Red Ass Beer B Que as you turn.

Jalapeno Cream Dipping Sauce

Ingredients:

¼ c heavy cream

¼ c sour cream

½ Jalapeno, seeded and diced

¼ purple onion, diced

3 T grated Parmesan Cheese

Preparation:

Combine all ingredients in a bowl and whip until cream becomes the consistency you desire.  Serve on side for dipping.


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