Tag Archives: Turkey

Turphucken

Thanksgiving has unexpectedly appeared in my rear view mirror.  And like most Thanksgivings of late, memories of ’09 suddenly come to mind.  That year, I volunteered to cook Thanksgiving dinner for the entire family.  And like the dumb ass that I am, I decided it was the perfect time to try something new!

Being a fan of all things Cajun, I had always wanted to try my hands at the infamous Turducken…..you know, a chicken, stuffed inside a duck, stuffed inside a turkey…..coonass engineering at its finest.  Now, I am sure for the true Cajun, cooking a Turducken is just another day on the bayou.  But, for an over weight, drunken, city boy like myself, a “turphucken” (as I now call it) is a proverbial ass whip’n.

Continue reading

Advertisements

Kids Say The Darndest Things

If you have ever had a conversation with any of my ex wives or believe half the schit I have written, then you are well aware of my eventual eternal position in the afterlife.  Assuming the former to be false, then over my next four blogs, you should be able to draw a pretty good conclusion.

Each of my Squids (“children”) has his or her own unique talents and abilities.  But the one commonality amongst them all is their command of the English language.  Much like their father, I attribute most of this to early childhood experiences.  If memory serves me correctly and often times it does not, somewhere around age 6 or 7, I was fishing with my Papaw on the Grand River.  The fishing was slow and the afternoon sun was bearing down, “Boy, go fetch me a beer out of the cooler and while you are at it, why don’t you grab one for yourself.”  With a schit eating grin on my face and thoughts of finally becoming a man, I gladly oblige.  Wanting to savor every moment, I decided to take my time.  First sip, this tastes like ass, but surely it is going to get better.  I will check my bait and then try another.  Reel, reel, reel, snag.  Papaw, I think I got one.  “You ain’t got one, you just got hung up.  Jerk, jerk, jerk, nothing.  Jerk, jerk, jerk, snap…… “GD Son, you could f__k up a wet dream.  Now give me that damn fishin pole and the beer I gave you.  You are obviously too damn young this schit”…….Damn my luck.

Continue reading


Oh, The Holidays

As I awoke from my Thanksgiving food and alcohol coma, I realized that my relatives did not take my subtle hint to heart and will be staying with us through the remainder of the weekend.  As a result and much to my liver’s chagrin, a Bloody Mary and butter and onion sandwich will be a good starter for what will likely be a very long and tiresome weekend…..thank God for booze, college football and Sheriff Buford T. Justice.

Continue reading


The Turkinator

As with most things I encountered as a yute, I took for granted the dreaded leftover Thanksgiving meal.  The thought of eating the same thing day after day had little appeal to me and was the bane of my  holiday season.  For all I cared, let the oversized Uncle Frank take home that schit or better yet, feed it to Otis (black lab equivalent to Marley). 

But as time has passed and experience has replaced naivety, so my perspectives have changed.  Don’t get me wrong, I still don’t care to eat the same thing day after day; but with a little bit of creativity and little preparation, I have learned to turn traditional Thanksgiving leftovers into post holiday masterpieces. 

In Texas, Thanksgiving weather can be a bit erratic; 80 degrees one day and 40 degrees the next.  If it happens to be one of those real “ducky” days when the wind is howl’n and the mercury is dip’n, you need to stick with something like the Rule of One Etouffee.  But, for those days when shorts and a T-shirt are the appropriate attire, my latest creation will even make Aunt Bertie a pleasure to be around.

The Turkinator

4 oz.  cranberry sauce

3 oz.  blue agave beer b que sauce

8 slices of ½” thick sourdough bread

4 oz. Brie cheese, sliced

8 oz. turkey leftovers, sliced

¾ c fresh arugula

Preheat Panini press or large grill pan or skillet.

Spread a generous portion of blue agave beer b que sauce on the top and bottom slices of the sourdough bread.  On the bottom half of each slice, layer Brie cheese, turkey, cranberry sauce, and arugula. Top with remaining sourdough slices.

Place the sandwiches on the Panini maker and close. If using a grill pan or skillet, place another heavy skillet on top of the sandwiches to simulate a Panini press. When the bread is toasted and the cheese is melted, remove the sandwiches and serve.


Disaster Relief Program

I am not trying to belittle the devastation of Hurricane Katrina or the sheer destruction of Hurricane Rita, but post holiday leftovers are a disaster all their own.

If you have kept up with my blog, you know by now that I have not always subscribed to full disclosure (To Make Amends) and I have been known to alter something ever so  slightly and portray it to be my own (Fat Bastard).  However, I have seen the errors of my way.  The recipe before you is not a TwistedEpicurean original.  This recipe comes from a hunting buddy of my brother’s and it was passed down to him by his Grandma Roy.  Though I don’t have their consent to pass this along, I do feel that true Cajun hospitality would allow me to do so.  Originally created to highlight the Mud Bug (i.e. crawfish), this recipe is great for the holiday turkey leftovers.

Rule of One Etouffee

1  lb. leftover turkey

1  stick butter

1  yellow onion, diced

1  stalk celery, diced

1  bell pepper, diced

Are you starting to catch on??????

1  can Rotel

1  can Cream of Mushroom

1  can Cream of Celery

¼ c green onion tops, chopped

Tabasco, Hell Bitch Cajun Seasoning to Taste

In a large sauté pan, place onions, celery and bell pepper in butter.  Season with Hell Bitch Cajun Seasoning and sauté until onions are translucent.  Add Rotel, soup and Tabasco and simmer for as long as you desire…..the longer the better.  Approximately 5 minutes prior to serving, stir in turkey and allow warming to desired temperature.  Serve over white rice and top with green onions.

Note:  Be sure to have plenty of french bread and garlic butter for the night serving.  As good as it is for dinner, it is plenty damn good in the a.m. hours too.  Serve over flaky Hungry Jack biscuits and soft served scrabble eggs.  Winner, winner, leftover turkey dinner.

 


“Once You Go Fried…”

If my memory serves me correctly, there was a saying when I was a youngster that went like “Once you go fried, you never go back”… or was it “Once you go black, you never go fried”….. Oh schit, I was never good with clichés.  None the less, a Cajun Fried Turkey is one of the most underrated Thanksgiving treats known to man. 

Frying a turkey takes an otherwise boring and uninspiring piece of meat and transforms it into a moist and delicious culinary masterpiece.  Combine that with my precooking secret weapon, a brine, and you will never go back to roasting your “white meat” again.     

Cajun Fried Turkey

Brine

1 c salt

½ c brown sugar

¼ c  Hell Bitch Cajun Seasoning

2  Bay Leafs

1 c ice

2  gallons cold water

Turkey

1  13 to 14 lb. fresh turkey

4 to 5  gallons 100% peanut oil

¼ c  Hell Bitch Cajun Seasoning

1  30 Qt. turkey frying vessel

In a medium sauce pan, pour in the brining ingredients:  salt, sugar, Hell Bitch, bay leafs and 2 cups of the water.  Once the water comes to a boil, remove it from the heat, pour in ice and allow it to cool.  Next, place turkey in 3 to 5 gallon Ziploc bag, pour in the remainder of the water and all the cooled brining solution.  Remove the majority of air from the bag, close bag and place in the refrigerator for 6 to 12 hours.

Once the turkey has brined, remove it from bag and wash it thoroughly.  Place turkey in empty frying vessel and fill with enough water to cover the turkey about 1 to 2 inches.  Remove the turkey, pat dry and season liberally the outside and under the skin with Hell Bitch.  Set aside.  AFTER REMOVING THE TURKEY FROM WATER, DO NOT POUR WATER OUT OF FRYING VESSEL.  SEE NEXT SET.

With water still in frying vessel, take a permanent marker and mark the water level on the vessel, which will indicate the amount of oil you will need to fry the turkey.  Once marked, pour water out of vessel, dry out the inside and pour in peanut oil to the indicating mark.  Set vessel on propane burner and bring the temperature to 350 degrees F and maintain for 5 minutes.  Once at 350, slowly lower the bird into the oil and maintain the temperature between 325 to 350 degrees F.  Cook bird for 3 to 4 minutes per pound.  After approximately 35 minutes, check temperature of the bird in the thickest part of the breast using a temperature probe.  Once the breast reaches 151 degrees F, gently remove from oil and allow bird to rest for 30 minutes.  The turkey will reach an internal temperature of 161 degrees F due to carry over cooking.  Once rested, carve and serve.  

Note:  

1 Always fry a turkey outdoors and free of anything flammable.  I tend to fry my turkey in the driveway.  Hot oil will likely splatter out of the pot when placing the cold turkey in the hot oil, so you may want to use a non-flammable splatter pad, which can be found at most hardware or sporting good stores. 

2 If you choose to use Course Kosher salt instead of table salt, you will need to increase the amount of salt to 1 ½ cups.

For more culinary treats and compliments, check us out at www.schitbird.com


%d bloggers like this: