Love or Lust

Being Twisted, I have a few odd behaviors:  going to bed before my 5 year son,  wearing black dress socks with tennis shoes, giving Dramamine to my neighbor’s barking dog……these arebut a few of a rather lengthy list.  However, according to my most recent wife (we will refer to her as “Siete”), one of my oddest behaviors happens to be my love of the grocery store.  Now, for someone like her who hasn’t seen the likes of the food store in ages, this comes as no surprise; but for foodies like yourself, I am sure this is as common place as dipping your french fries in your chocolate shake……try it, it’s damn good.

As I have said before, I love perusing the isles of my local Fiester and/or the Skaggs, but I do feel a bit deprived.  See, I live in the Metroplex and we do not have an HEB Grocer.   Now for those not from Texas, this may not seem like a big deal.  But for those who do, you know that HEB is like Fiesta on steroids; a truly inspiration shopping experience for foodies like you and me.  In its stead, HEB has decided to bring us an up-scale version grocery store, Central Market.  A treat in and of itself, Central Market has few rivals; but given that I am on the government payroll (unemployed), Central Market doesn’t currently fit in my food shopping paradigm.  Being the holidays, I thought what the hell.   Anyway, most people today have little qualms spending what they don’t have (especially that be-ach from California and her cronies on the Hill), why should it matter to me?  Surely our kids won’t mind cleaning up the mess we leave behind.

As with most Democrats, blowing my government paycheck on booze and cigarettes seems like the appropriate thing to do.  Much to my chagrin, I found out that Central Market doesn’t sell cigarettes, so a crap load of holiday beer and a vat of Love Dip had to suffice.  Fun Fact # 1:  Did you know that fermented grain and Love Dip are WIC approved?  Isn’t it amazing what the government tit will allow!  Yet again, I digress.

Getting home, I was eager to show off the fruits of my labor.  Much to my amazement, Siete was none to pleased with my shopping wares and to my surprise, she appears to have a temper similar to that of Cautro……maybe this marriage thing isn’t for me????  Knowing that working on my marriage gives me tired head and in most instances ill advised, I decided to focus my efforts on something more meaningful.  Knowing times are tough and the payola is short, I have decided to make a run at re-creating this Central Market powerhouse.  Here is my twisted version of Love Dip.

Lust Dip

2  8oz packages of cream cheese, softened

2 T  Bayou Cajun Seasoning

1/8 t  cayenne

1.5 t  lemon juice

3/4 c  sour cream

3/4 c  mild salsa

1/4 c  purple onion, chopped

1/4 c  cilantro, chopped

In a large bowl, combine all the ingredients.   Refrigerate for one hour to allow ingredients to marry and cream cheese to firm up.  Serve with crackers and/or pretzel chips.

Tired Head

I am no Conan, but I think that I have a pretty good line of BS.  However, I am stumped.  I am at a loss for words.  

The Season is in full force, with holiday parties and gatherings aplenty.  At least for me, this means over drinking, over eating and a whole lot of tired head; which may be the reason for my lack of imaginative thinking.  So with little fanfare and no made up, bullschit storyline, here is my latest blog entry and hope you enjoy.

Spiced Pecans

3 c  Pecan halves

1 c  Sugar

1 T  Bayou Cajun Seasoning

1     Egg, separated

1 T  Water

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.  In a large mixing bowl, whisk egg whites and water.  Pour pecans into egg white mixture and stir.  Once whites have thoroughly coated pecans, combine sugar and Cajun seasoning, sprinkling half of the mixture on top.  Stir several times, sprinkling remaining seasoning mixture as you stir.  On parchment paper lined baking sheet, spread pecans evenly and cook for 20 minutes, stirring a couple of times as they cook.  Allow to cool and store in plastic Ziploc bag until ready to serve.

Exceptions To The Rule

Unless it is to avoid traffic or shave a few minutes off a long road trip (kids in tow of course), I am not typically a fan of shortcuts; especially when it comes to my cooking.  But between running kids to and from school, back and forth to various soccer, football and baseball practices and whatever other activities those little bastards can’t do without, there are exceptions to this rule. 

Being  under employed and an inquisitive foodie, I often find myself milling about my local Skaggs, observing the latest culinary trends and searching for my next inspiration.  Though this activity tends to be  more about the passing of time than the discovery of my next culinary masterpiece, from time to time, I do come across something that peaks my interest.  One particular day not so long ago, I passed by the deli counter and observed the infamous rotisserie chicken contraption.  Like you, I have seen those infomercials where for 4 easy payments of $89.99, you too can be the proud owner of a Roto 10,000.  Touted as an exceptional culinary device, this austonishing machine can not only cook a full meal for 4 in under 20 seconds, but it can teach your kids Algebra and make your whites brighter than ever before.  Wow, I will have four please.

Being the Nancy Negative that I am, how possibly could a overcooked, sunburned bird be any good, right??????  However, as it happened to be this particular day, my schedule was packed and I needed a quick meal.  “Give me two fine sir”.  Much to my amazement, when I got those bad boys home, they were not only juicy and flavorful; but at $4.99 per apiece, they were a damn good bargain.  Now, I am no math whiz, but sounds like to me the makers of the Roto 10,000 are selling me a bill of goods.

The recipe that follows is a perennial favorite come winter time.  It is something that can be made for a quick weeknight meal or simmered low and slow on a cold, lazy Sunday afternoon.  The longer it simmers the better it gets, but the recipe below will get you started.  You can adjust the cooking time based on your schedule.

El Jeffe’s Tortilla Soup

1T  vegetable oil

1  28 oz can of diced tomatoes

1  15.5 oz can white hominy, drained

1  medium white onion, diced

1  small packet Sazon seasoning*

1  jalapeno, seeded and diced

4  garlic cloves, diced

1  chipotle pepper in adobo sauce, diced

1t adobo sauce

2  bay leaves

¼ c  cilantro, chopped

2  32 oz boxes Swasons Chicken Broth

1  rotisserie chicken, shredded

Garnishments:  sour cream, cilantro, Monterey Jack cheese, avocado, purple onion

In a large stock pot, heat oil over medium-high.  Add chopped onions and jalapeno, sautéing for 3 minutes.  Add tomatoes, garlic, chipotle and adobo sauce, sautéing for another 5 to 7 minutes.  Once the juice from the tomatoes has evaporated, add chicken broth, bay leaves, hominy and cilantro.  Bring ingredients to a boil and reduce heat to medium.  Simmer for approximately 30 minutes, adding more chicken broth, beer or water if needed.  Just prior to serving, add the chicken.  Garnish with cilantro, Monterey Jack cheese, sour cream, avocado and/or purple onion.

*  Sazon is a mexican soup seasoning made by Goya.  There are several different flavor combinations.  I use the one with corriander and annatto.

Good O’ Day Syndrome

There are very few movies that stand the test of time….It’s a Wonderful Life, Smokey and the Bandit, Braveheart and my perennial favorite, Lonesome Dove.   On occasion, the wife and I will bust out an old favorite and subject our squids to a little “forced family fun”.  More often than not, the wife and I find the movie every bit as entertaining as it was the first time we saw it; on the other hand, the kids can’t seem to stop bitching and complaining because the movie isn’t “kick ass” enough to hold their attention.  As much as I hate to admit it, by today’s standards, the little bastards are probably right and if we are honest with ourselves, the misses and I are probably just reliving the glory days.  As true as it may be, give me Caddy Shack or Raising Arizona any day over Hangover or 40 Year Old Virgin.

Much like movies, I have found that family recipes also have a very short shelf life.  Most that get passed down from generation to generation can’t hold up to the “kick ass” recipes of today.  However, on occasion, there will be one family jewel that is timeless.  Though I use “family” somewhat loosely for I am unsure of the recipes origin, South of the Border Fettuccine has long been a family tradition in our household.  Like most recipes that have been handed down (see the blog entry “To Make Amends”), I have taken the liberty to bastardize it a bit and call it my own.  It is simple, it is good and aside from a few candy asses I know, I have yet to find anyone who doesn’t enjoy this perennial favorite.

South of the Border Fettuccine

14.5 oz can chopped tomatoes

15.5 oz can black beans

16 oz box of dried fettuccine

2t Yard Bird Seasoning

2T  butter

2  garlic cloves, minced

1  medium jalapeno, seeded & minced

1/4c  cilantro, chopped

4 oz sherry cooking wine

4 oz chicken stock

2 chicken breasts

Preheat grill to 400 degrees, season chicken with Yard Bird Poultry Seasoning and grill chicken for about 3 minutes per side.  Place chicken on plate and allow to rest.  Please note, chicken will not be cooked all the way through, but will finish cooking when added to the sauce at the end. 

While chicken is resting, place water in a large stock pot and bring to a boil.  Cook fettuccine according to the box directions.

While chicken is resting and the pasta water is coming to a boil, preheat a large sauté pan over medium-high heat.  Add butter and jalapenos and sauté for 3 minutes.  While jalapenos are sautéing, pour tomatoes and black beans into a colander and rinsed thoroughly.  Once rinsed, add tomato/black bean mixture to pan and sauté for another 3 to 4 minutes.  Add garlic, ¼ cup of the cilantro and continue sautéing.   After an additional 2 minutes of sautéing, deglaze the pan with sherry, add chicken stock and simmer for an additional 4 to 5 minutes.  While the ingredients are simmering, chop chicken and add to the sauce.   Once chicken is cooked all the way through (approximately 2 to 3 minutes), serve over cooked fettuccine noodles.

Please note, for those who are short on time, store bought rotisserie chicken is a good substitute for grilled chicken.

For more “kick ass” recipes and accoutrements, visits us at www.schitbird.com.

Seasonal Wood

As the dog days of summer come to a close and fall is ushered in, a sense of delight and excitement has come over me.  Hot, oppressive days have been replaced by cool, crisp mornings.  Say what you will, but autumn is a magical time and seems to make my trousers feel kinda funny. 

If you are like me, there is no better way to spend an afternoon than with friends and family watching football, drinking beer and munching on a few nibblets.  The old game time standby amongst my family would have to be a big bowl of Rotel; however, from time to time, a seven layer dip or a vat of guacamole will tied us over.  That said, what I am about to share with you may change the rules a bit.

If you have not tried any of the Schitbird sauces or seasoning blends, then shame on you.  If you have, you know that I love me some “spicesty”.  One of my favorite fiery culinary treats is the stuff jalapeno.  As with most things I do, I like to go full throttle with my japs.  With the help of a little Hell Bitch Cajun Seasoning, some Mexican chorizo and of course a little pork fat, these poppers will make your lips go “Ump, Bop, Bop”.

Bad Ass Jalapeno Poppers

24   jalapeno peppers

¼ lb smoked gouda, grated

¼ lb Monterey jack, grated

½ lb. ground Mexican chorizo

¼ c  red onion, chopped

1   egg

½ c  cream cheese, softened

3 T  sour cream

1 t   Hell Bitch Cajun Seasoning

 24 slices bacon

 Brown chorizo in skillet over medium-high heat.  Drain and let cool.  Once cooled, combine chorizo, cheese, red onion, egg, cream cheese, sour cream and Hell Bitch Cajun Seasoning.  Make a slit down the middle of the pepper lengthwise and remove seeds.  Stuff cheese mixture in middle of pepper, wrap with bacon and secure with a toothpick.  Grill over medium heat for 15 to 20 minutes.

To make stuffing the peppers easier, place cheese mixture in a large plastic Ziploc bag, cut one end and use it like a piping bag.

Check us out at www.schitbird.com 

Summer Beer

“I would like to apologize to all Texas fans……”  Infamous words from the fabled coach down “South”, but relevant to my situation.  See, in business, as is in life, timing is everything.  Well, given that summer is technically over and my last blog was the “MAH” A Rita, my timing sucks.  That said, my latest entry is something I have recently discover and needs to be shared with all.  So sit back, relax and take heed.

Proper beer consumption is an art form, a skill that takes years of dedication and commitment to perfect.  Once perfected, it is revered by many, mostly the novice or junior drinker, to which I say “Patience grasshopper, patience”.  Although I feel I am the Zen master of beer consumption, from time to time I like to venture outside my comfort zone.  Today, my vice is something called “Summer Beer” or as those north of me refer to it “Beer A Rita”.  Now typically, I wouldn’t dare defile “heaven’s milkshake” (i.e. beer) with a lime or a lemon and god forbid, an orange.  But Summer Beer is a wonderful concoction that I shamelessly admit is good Schit!  Albeit similar in nature to other summer concoctions, Summer Beer is easy, simple and quite tasty:

Summer Beer 

Ingredients:

4 – 12oz bottles of beer (preferably Miller Lite)

1 – 12 oz can Limeade

6 oz Vodka

1 lime

Preparation:

Combine all ingredients in a pitcher, stir and serve over ice, with a slice of lime.  Easy, breezy, Japanesey.

For more beverage concoctions and food trinkets, please visit me at www.schitbird.com.

To Make Amends

As you will see, I love my beverage.  Mainly beer, but on occasion a good bottle of vino or a tangy margarita will fulfill my desire.  The latter leads me to this blogging experience, as well as the opportunity to make amends.  See, my higher education experience, as with most memorable life experiences, involved a little drinking.  Being the under achiever that I am and an early rise, I was left plenty of time to hone my skills and perfect my craft.  Memory eludes me, but at some point, I came to be known as the “Marg Man”, a somewhat alcoholic superhero of sorts.  My superhero strengths were derived not from spinach but from drink that came to be known as the “insert my legal name”A Rita.  Please understand that this was not a self proclamation (as I am known to do) and I never claimed the recipe to be my own.  However, as most self absorbed individuals, I never felt the need to divulge the secret and not to mention, I liked the thought of having a tasty beverage named after me.  Anyway, who was it going to hurt……

Prior to telling you how I got in this quandary, I must give you some background on how this recipe came about.  See, it came from someone near and dear to my heart and it pains me to say that I have stolen some of her glory in an effort to attain some of my own.  For the true “Marg Man” is in fact the “Marg Woman” and has been an influence in my life for many, many years.  My favorite childhood memories are growing up at the Lake; and at the Lake, margaritas are a way of life.  “MAH”, as she will be known, made the best frozen concoction your lips have ever touched and when we little Schits came of drinking age, say 14 or 15, we occasionally partook of said beverage.  As one might expect, as the years advanced, the frequency of “occasionally” became quite constant; which allowed me to develop affection for margs and gave me the opportunity to understand and appreciate the simplicity of this recipe.  In this bullSchit world we live in, simple is the only way to go. 

I digress.  If you haven’t read my virgin blogging experience Virgin Run, then you may not understand that I have ADD and am thus easily distracted.  Rambling and veering off course are a way of life for me.  That said, I pick back up on how an innocent omission bit me in the ass. 

Being the under achiever that I am, I was able to turn a four year college experience into six.  Typically, six years of schooling would have you well on your way to becoming a doctor or lawyer.  Not for or me.  No, I successfully wasted the last two years of higher education perfecting my craft and destroying much of my cerebral cortex.  On the other hand, many of my over achieving friends chose differently and used that time to further their learning experience.  Although some chose a more respectable rout (i.e. business school), several other ratSchits made an unfortunate decision to attend law school (please insert your lawyer joke here).  Well as luck would have it, one of the regular visitors to the Lake also made the same unfortunate decision and attended the same law school as my comrades.  Keeping with tradition, drinking became a regular part of their routine with this crowd and as you may have figured out by now, the gig was up.  The secret behind the “___” A Rita was exposed and the rash of ribbing began.   Time has passed and it has become a running joke at the Lake.  For me, it still stings a bit.  So please, enjoy your “____” A Rita…..and if you ever have the great privilege to be at the Lake, make sure you thank “MAH” for such a wonderful, culinary concoction. 

“MAH” A Rita

Ingredients:

6 oz Limeade

6 oz tequila

Splash of Triple Sec

Preparation:

Combine all ingredients into your favorite blender and Walla.

Notes:  Contrary to what you may think, high end tequila (i.e. Patron, Cuervo 1800, etc.) is not needed or recommended.  A good marg has a slight whang to it and that whang is achieved by using a less refined tequila.  Cuervo Classic or Cuervo Gold is the old reliables, but don’t be shy if all you have is Montezuma.  

For more culinary nuggets and comedic relief, please visit me at www.schitbird.com.

Religious Pilgrimage

Before you turn and run, I ask for a little latitude on this subject.  I know religion may give many of you tired head.  Heck it gives me tired head too.  And I know you don’t typically talk about religion in a food blog.  But religion is something that is a part of most God fearing individuals.  Different from person to person, religion is a product of our upbringing; it is a symbol of our heritage.  It’s a definition of who we are and what we believe.  Be it Arabs or be it Jews or be it Christians, at one time or another, most true believers journey to Mecca in order to achieve religious enlightenment and pay homage to their creator. 

 For me, as with most other Texas males, our religious pilgrimage tends to stray a bit off course and begins as summer draws to a close.  Thousands upon thousands of Texans travel from far and near to seek out the familiarities of their homeland and pay homage to their god.  No I am not talking about high school football, although a religious experience in its own right.  I am talking about the opening of Dove Season.  That’s right, the day boys become men and men become boys.  A day where no matter your age, race, color or creed, men come together to eradicate those menacing little bastards we call dove. 

 Even after all the years of attempting to totally destroy my cerebral cortex, I still can remember the joy and excitement of my first dove hunt.  Dogs running to and fro, #8 lead shot peppering your face and hands, rattle snakes waiting in the tall scrub to strike at whatever comes near.  If that ain’t heaven, I don’t know what is.

As with every good pilgrimage, a great celebration should always conclude a long journey.  As tradition goes, evening dove hunts are the precursor to an evening dove feast.  Meat, meat and more meat.  Which leads me to this Texas favorite.  The following recipe can be used for most any type of game bird, be it duck, quail or schitbird.  Although I have an affinity for schitbird, hands down, dove is where I pay my homage.

For more recipes, sauces and/or seasonings, please visit us at www.schitbird.com. 

Dove Poppers with Jalapeno Cream Sauce

Ingredients:

10 Dove

10 slices bacon

1 jalapeno (julienned)

1 onion (julienned)

4 oz cream cheese

4 T  Otis & Oskie Wild Game Seasoning

½ c Red Ass Beer B Que Sauce

1 bottle Italian Dressing

10 toothpicks

1 c Jalapeno Cream Dipping Sauce (recipe below)

Preparation:

Preheat grill to 400 degrees.

Pour Italian Dressing in plastic bag and marinate dove breasts for 30 to 60 minutes.  Once the Schitbirds are done marinating, season with Otis & Oskie Wild Game Seasoning.  Then take one slice of jalapeno, one slice of onion and pinch of cream cheese and place it inside the breast meat.  Wrap bacon around dove, veggies and cream cheese and stick a toothpick through everything to hold it together.  Repeat the process for all ten birds.

Place dove on preheated grill and cook 3 to 4 minutes per side, while basting with Red Ass Beer B Que as you turn.

Jalapeno Cream Dipping Sauce

Ingredients:

¼ c heavy cream

¼ c sour cream

½ Jalapeno, seeded and diced

¼ purple onion, diced

3 T grated Parmesan Cheese

Preparation:

Combine all ingredients in a bowl and whip until cream becomes the consistency you desire.  Serve on side for dipping.

Hatch Queso Blanco

Ahhh the end of summer.  Don’t get me wrong, I truly enjoy summer.  Wake boarding on the weekends, hanging out and drinking by the pool, summer vacations to exotic beach destinations.  However, by the time August rolls around, enough is enough.  The constant bantering and fighting amongst the kids and the oppressive hot August days has worn this Honkey out.  Put a fork in me because I am done.  But wait, maybe better days are just around the bend.  Soon, school will be starting and the kids will be out of the house.  The heat will be replaced by crisp autumn mornings and the smell of ducks will soon be in the air.  Maybe life can be good again. 

Before I put away all the beach towels, air mattresses and floating coolers, I do have one last summer indulgence.  The Hatch Chile Festival.  That’s right, every year during the last part of August, Central Market has their annual Hatch Chile Festival (check out the link at www.schitbird.com).   An event that truly mystifies the senses.  If you have not attended, I highly recommend it to all. 

In an effort to break the summer doldrums, I recently ventured down to my local Central Market (on weekday of course, because I hate people) and picked up a mess of chiles.  Though primarily the Hatch variety, I did pick up some other intriguing peppers that would compliment future creations.  Which leads me to the following.  The recipe below is by no means difficult.  As with many of my creations, simplicity is more times than not, key to heightened enjoyment.  Simplicity allows the ingredients to shine and simplicity allows for more drinking time and more drinking time makes Jack a happy boy.  So have a kocktail, roast some chiles and enjoy this heart clogging (and possibly colon clogging) delight:

Hatch Queso Blanco

Ingredients:

4 oz shredded Monterey Jack cheese

4 oz shredded Chihuahua cheese

4 oz shredded Asadero cheese

1 Hatch chile (roasted, peeled & julienned)

½ cup chorizo

1 tsp chopped cilantro

Preparation:

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.  In a small, 8” cast iron skillet, cook chorizo until it’s done, about 4 to 5 minutes.  Drain most of the grease, but leave a thin layer of goodness on the bottom of the pan.  Add cheese, top with crumbled chorizo, Hatch chiles and bake for 15 minutes or until cheese begins to bubble.  Prior to serving, sprinkle top with cilantro.

Although best served on a warm tortilla, warm corn chips are an alternative way to enjoy this fantastic dish.

Note:  Because of their thick skins, Hatch chiles should be roasted prior to eating.  Although there are many ways to roast chiles, my favorite is over hot charcoal.  Here are the most common methods of roasting:

Grill outdoors until skin is slightly chard and blistering

Roasting under a broiler until skins blister (approx. 7-8 minutes, turning occasionally)

On stovetop using a cast iron pan on high heat (approx. 10 minutes, turning occasionally)

Once chiles are done roasting, immediately place them in a paper or plastic bag, seal it and allow them to rest for 15 minutes.  After resting, rub off chard skin, remove stem/seeds and enjoy.

For more culinary jewels like this, please visit us at www.schitbird.com