Sobriety Blows

“I feel sorry for people who don’t drink.  When they wake up in the morning, that is the best you are going to feel all day.” – Frank Sinatra

As we take our ride down memory lane, I can’t help but chuckle when thinking back to Squid Tres’ first day of vacation bible school.  And as luck would have it, it was Uno’s first time to teach VBS.

Good VBS teachers are hard to come by and those that are good, know the importance of understanding their pupils knowledge of the subject.  Good teachers will ask a few probing questions, get a little feedback and then steer the class accordingly.  Logical approach for Uno…….

Not So Great Moment

As I stated in “A Former Life”, there are many reasons why I will be heading south the day my maker comes calling.  But should you need further evidence, here you go…..

As it goes with four kids, three dogs and a wife with an insatiable drinking habit, our schedule on the weekends is quite hectic and eating out can rarely be avoided.  Often to the displeasure of those around us, our meals are typically filled with colorful conversation; oftentimes loud, typically inappropriate, but always entertaining.   Take last weekend for example.  Squid 3 (age 10) pipes in:  “So dad, do you know why lesbians shop at Sports Authority.”  “No, why?”  “Because they don’t like Dick’s.”  Laughter erupts and beer spit about and all eyes turn to our table.  To my right, a good Christian family with a look of disgust.  To my left, an old blue hair with a look of confusion.  Of no concern to us, laughter continues.

Tidings and Joy

I am somewhat at a loss for words right now, which poses a problem for someone who wishes to earn a meager living selling spices and writing a food blog.  One might say that I have more give up in me than Lindsey Lohan has after three shots of Patron.  But, as I have also been told before………duty is such a cruel master, so here it be:

I hate shopping.  I hate Christmas shopping even more.  Rude people; angry shoppers; teenage, punk-ass kids…..it is a wonder why I don’t enjoy it more.  But,because not everything can yet be purchased online, I do have to venture down to our local mall on occasion.

Different than in years past, this year I devised a plan.  A plan that was simple, yet clever:  Go into a store, grab a gift, belly up to a bar.  Have a couple of beers, go down to Victoria Secrets, find something sexy and revealing for Siete, muster up enough courage to ask the young, hot checkout girl to model it for me to make sure it fits and then find another bar.  The process was to be repeated until I had crossed everything off my list.  Perfect plan!  Right…..right.

Oh, The Holidays

As I awoke from my Thanksgiving food and alcohol coma, I realized that my relatives did not take my subtle hint to heart and will be staying with us through the remainder of the weekend.  As a result and much to my liver’s chagrin, a Bloody Mary and butter and onion sandwich will be a good starter for what will likely be a very long and tiresome weekend…..thank God for booze, college football and Sheriff Buford T. Justice.

Vacation Todd

Vacation Todd is very different than At Home Todd.  Vacation Todd wakes up, grabs a beer, pours it over his “cereal flakes” and then heads out for a full day of drinking, socializing and just having a good time.  Unfortunately for those who accompany me or happen to be around me, Evening Vacation Todd can be a little hard to bear.  You can pretty much count on one of two outcomes: passing out before dinner or those around wishing I had passed out before dinner.

After years of observations, Siete had decided enough was enough and implemented a new plan of action on our recent trip to Mexico.  For the sake of the family and the sake of our marriage, Vacation Todd was only going to be allowed to stay for the first few days of our Forced Family Fun.  Regardless of how things were going or how much longer the rest of the family might be staying, Vacation Todd would be leaving around day 4 or 5.

In her mind, this was a well conceived plan.  A plan that allowed me to have fun and enjoy vacationing with the family, but a length of time that wasn’t too long for me to piss everyone off……Riiiiiiiiight!  Much to her displeasure, she under estimated my abilities.

Summertime Blues

Be it summer vacations, lack of interest or you are just tired of my bullschit; but the call for help has fallen upon deaf ears.  As I stated in my last blog, the revisiting of old friends may be a bit of a cop-out; but summer vacations have gotten the better of me, my give a schit meter resides in the bowels of hell and I am tired of my own bullschit.  So, without further a due, I felt it only appropriate to revisit this blog in hopes that it will soon bring cooler weather to the Lone Star state……

Mistaken Identity

There are not a lot of good things going on in Mexico these days; however, not so long ago, that wasn’t necessarily the case. 

One of my fondest memories of Mexico comes from a Spring Break trip we took while at A&M.  Unbeknownst to my parents, a group of college buddies and I decided that our unwavering dedication to higher education warranted a break.  Countless hours pounding the books and pounding the beer had taken its toll on us mentally and physically.  Our overall well-being was definitely in question.  Without a little relief, god only knows what errant path we might choose. 

Melancholy

 For a lot of Texans, we are coming to the end of our Religious Pilgrimage.  Sure there is always a spring turkey to shoot or a big redfish to land, but for all intents and purposes, hunting season is all but over.  We must now return to our familial responsibilities and hope that the return of the season comes sooner than we might expect.

It has become a tradition within my group of hunting buddies to have a “Man Dinner” at the close of every season.  A time to bring families together and enjoy the fruits of our labor.  A time to enjoy the company of our wives, our kids and……blah, blah, blah.  Who am I trying to kid.  The Man Dinner has very little to do with bring our families together.  No, the Man Dinner has everything to do with drinking beer, eating good food and telling lies about all the good and bad hunts we had.  And from what I can tell, though I have never asked, I think the women folk may enjoy it too.

Norman Rockwell

If you have followed my blog, you know that I have a very chaotic life.  One wife, four kids, three dogs and six exes, it is enough to drive any man crazy and lord only

Norman Rockwell

knows how you can keep them all happy at the same time.  However, the other evening while finishing up dinner, I noticed something highly unusual.  Siete wasn’t bitching at me, the kids weren’t fighting and the dogs weren’t under foot.  For a brief moment I thought this must be what normal families eat like…….then Meat (the youngest) fires off a big one, sending everyone scurrying for safety.  So much for our Leave It To Beaver meal.

I am a firm believer that if someone were to serve me goat cheese ala poopoo or bacon wrapped turd, I would probably eat it without hesitation.  And although most may not subscribe to my line of thinking, goat cheese and bacon do make most things better, which is reason enough to try this gem.  It is a takeoff from Tin Star’s Chipotle Chicken Scaloppini.  Its fairly simple, it is spicy and it is sure to create your own family bliss.

Old Man Winter

I now know why poets, authors and painters are notorious alcoholics and druggies……..being creative is an ass whip’n to the highest degree, especially after the holidays.  So please forgive me if this post seems rather drab and mundane.

As seasons go, winters in Texas aren’t too bad.  Unlike the northern states, Texas winters tend to be mild and pleasant.  But on special occasions, Old Man Winter will pay us a visit.  That visit came this past Sunday and The Old Man seems to be rather pissed.  Typically, he comes and goes quickly, 30 degrees one day, 70 degrees the next.  Not this time.  No, it seems that someone has pissed him off good and he ain’t leaving anytime soon.