And Then There Was Four

“I don’t understand interventions.  What’s the point of being told you drink too much by a room full of reasons why you drink in the first place? – Author Unknown

There aren’t many places my family is welcome come Sunday, but one place we have been asked to never come back is Ken’s Pizza in Durant, Oklahoma.  If memory serves me correctly and as said before, often it does not, this particular Sunday we were driving back to Dallas after a long weekend at The Lake.  The boys were hungry and I had a hankering for pizza…..

Not So Great Moment

As I stated in “A Former Life”, there are many reasons why I will be heading south the day my maker comes calling.  But should you need further evidence, here you go…..

As it goes with four kids, three dogs and a wife with an insatiable drinking habit, our schedule on the weekends is quite hectic and eating out can rarely be avoided.  Often to the displeasure of those around us, our meals are typically filled with colorful conversation; oftentimes loud, typically inappropriate, but always entertaining.   Take last weekend for example.  Squid 3 (age 10) pipes in:  “So dad, do you know why lesbians shop at Sports Authority.”  “No, why?”  “Because they don’t like Dick’s.”  Laughter erupts and beer spit about and all eyes turn to our table.  To my right, a good Christian family with a look of disgust.  To my left, an old blue hair with a look of confusion.  Of no concern to us, laughter continues.

Kids Say The Darndest Things

If you have ever had a conversation with any of my ex wives or believe half the schit I have written, then you are well aware of my eventual eternal position in the afterlife.  Assuming the former to be false, then over my next four blogs, you should be able to draw a pretty good conclusion.

Each of my Squids (“children”) has his or her own unique talents and abilities.  But the one commonality amongst them all is their command of the English language.  Much like their father, I attribute most of this to early childhood experiences.  If memory serves me correctly and often times it does not, somewhere around age 6 or 7, I was fishing with my Papaw on the Grand River.  The fishing was slow and the afternoon sun was bearing down, “Boy, go fetch me a beer out of the cooler and while you are at it, why don’t you grab one for yourself.”  With a schit eating grin on my face and thoughts of finally becoming a man, I gladly oblige.  Wanting to savor every moment, I decided to take my time.  First sip, this tastes like ass, but surely it is going to get better.  I will check my bait and then try another.  Reel, reel, reel, snag.  Papaw, I think I got one.  “You ain’t got one, you just got hung up.  Jerk, jerk, jerk, nothing.  Jerk, jerk, jerk, snap…… “GD Son, you could f__k up a wet dream.  Now give me that damn fishin pole and the beer I gave you.  You are obviously too damn young this schit”…….Damn my luck.

A Classic

The mind works in mysterious ways.  Often times, I find it difficult to remember my own kid’s names or what day my wedding anniversary falls on or better yet, how old I am (which I am now part of the 40+ demographic).  But put in Smokey and The Bandit or Raising Arizona, damned if I can’t recite it line for line.

Warning!

This is not my typical post.  This is a warning.  This goes out to all men and all women who act like men.  If your significant other ever expresses an interest in watching the movie “Black Swan” together, run and run fast.

To most, this statement may seem like a given.  However, as men can typically be, I have been an ass lately.  Nothing that I see out of the ordinary, but Siete has taken exception to my behavior.  As such, I decided to take one for the team.  I was going to be the good husband and endure a little pain.  “Surely it can’t be that bad”……Buuuuullllllllschit!  This f__king movie is horrible.  It is two hours of my life that I ain’t ever getting back and if this doesn’t earn me some serious brownie points; well it is time I start looking for Ocho.

I digress.  Most aren’t reading this blog to listen to all of my bitching and moaning.  Most are here for the food.  So, without further ado, the link below is a recipe that I recently had published in Plum Creek’s bi-annual hunting newsletter.  Hope you enjoy.

http://www.plumcreek.com/LinkClick.aspx?fileticket=bR%2bnTjmezHo%3d&tabid=142&mid=795

Twisted Epilogue: The only good thing that came out of watching this movie is the realization that I need to lose some weight.  Having bigger tits than Natalie Portman is not natural for a man.  Hence forth, I am officially on a diet……Siete, you were finally right on something.  Kudos to you.

Mistaken Identity

There are not a lot of good things going on in Mexico these days; however, not so long ago, that wasn’t necessarily the case. 

One of my fondest memories of Mexico comes from a Spring Break trip we took while at A&M.  Unbeknownst to my parents, a group of college buddies and I decided that our unwavering dedication to higher education warranted a break.  Countless hours pounding the books and pounding the beer had taken its toll on us mentally and physically.  Our overall well-being was definitely in question.  Without a little relief, god only knows what errant path we might choose. 

The Gig Is Up

Much to my chagrin, Siete actually reads my blogs.  As you can surmise, she was none too pleased with “Rose Colored Glasses”.  Needless to say, I am eating healthy again, exercising more and back on the wagon.  So if I seem a bit cranky; well, you now know why.

Given my recent lifestyle change, I have found that eating healthier isn’t really the issue.  Giving up beer, well that is another story.  In an effort to take my mind off my yearning desires, I decided to spend the weekend doing “honey dos”.  I spent numerous hours cleaning the garage, washing and waxing the cars and mowing the lawn.  Heck I even cleaned out the gutters and trimmed the trees.  I was being a good husband.  In the midst of my chores, I looked over at Siete and saw that was smiling from ear to ear.  The kind of a smile that showed her gratitude and appreciation for all the sacrifices I am making.  Thinking about it, it may have been the happiest I had seen her in quite some time.  However, true happiness is often times fleeting and when she found me passed out on the patio, beer in hand; her smile quickly vanished. 

Rose Colored Glasses

Humor seems to have evaded me today.  For that matter, humor seems to have  evaded me for the last several days.  Why you might ask?  Well the years are catching up to me and Siete has decided that I need to make some changes.  She seems to think that I need to eat a little healthy, actually start using the gym I belong to and stop drinking.  The dieting and working out are one thing, but sobriety, that is for the birds.

Given my new perspective on life, I decided to go back and review a few of my old posts to see if they would offer up any humorous inspiration.  I checked out “Virgin Run”, “A Former Life” and “I Have A Dream”.  All decent blogs, but nothing too inspiring.  I went a little deeper and perused “Wham, Bam, Thank You Ma’am”, “Pure Insanity” and “The Tortoise And The Hare”.  Again, all good blogs, but still nothing.  Then it hit me……humor has been evading me these last few days, humor has evaded me most of my adult born life.  What the f__k Chuck?

Wham, Bam, Thank You Ma’am

If I haven’t said this before, it is high time that I do………”If you put goat cheese on a turd, there is a good chance I am going to eat it”.  As odd and unappetizing as that may sound, it is true.  Yes, goat cheese is my epicurean crutch.  The creaminess and tanginess goat cheese brings to a dish is unmatched.  If you are a virgin to goat cheese, be a virgin no more.

God did not grace me in the nether regions, nor give me a crap load of cash; but what he did give me was an uncanny ability to cook.  Given that Siete can burn water, we were a match made in heaven.  This recipe certainly wooed Siete and is sure to give you the entry key into any man or women’s boudoir.

Maui Waui

Grilling season is here in Texas and what better way to kick it off than a bar-b-que with friends.  In Texas, the carnage of choice is beef, steak in particular.  However, currently being under-employed, I am not willing to spend my whole government check on booze and beef; unless of course, I am the primary consumer.  Spam Burgers and Strawberry Hill sound more appropriate for our situation.  

Given Siete’s delicate pallete and her dislike of strawberry wine, Spam and Boones ain’t gonna fly.  But there is one Twisted favorite that is fairly inexpensive and quite tasty………..Hawaiian Chicken.  Served atop a sweet, Hawaiian dinner roll, with a little mango salsa and a cold beer, this Twisted treat will definitely keep our bar-b-que crowd sassisified. 

Hawaiian Chicken

4 boneless, skinless chicken breasts

1 12 oz bottle Hawaiian Marinade (Lawry’s or Kroger Brand)

1 package King’s Hawaiian Rolls, split and toasted

Mango Salsa, recipe follows
 

Put chicken breast between two pieces of wax paper and pound chicken until it is 1/4″ to 1/2″ inch thick.  Once pounded, cut chicken into 3 or 4 pieces (just slightly larger than the rolls).  Place chicken in 1 gallon Ziploc bag, pour in marinade and refrigerate for at least 2 hours (the longer, the better).  

Preheat grill to 400 degrees F.  Place marinated chicken on a platter and set aside.  Take the remaining marinade from the Ziploc bag, put into a small sauce pan and bring to a boil.  Boil for 1 minute and remove from heat.  Next, place chicken on hot grill and cook 4 to 6 minutes per side or until done.  Baste chicken periodically with reserve marinade while grilling.

 Mango Salsa

1 mango, diced

2 T apple cider vinegar

1 jalapeno, seeded and diced

1 T sugar

1/4 c purple onion, diced

1/4 c cilantro, chopped

For the salsa, combine all ingredients in a Ziploc container and refrigerate for 1 to 2 hours. 

Twisted Epilogue:  In the words of Sheriff Buford T. Justice “We’re Gaining on Them”.  If you know someone who will enjoy this blog, please pass it on.  For your convenience, we now have share icons at the bottom of every post.